unmoved.
Entry 003.
Thoughts and feelings: a mustard seed of faith does make a difference.
TLDR: I recount a time I was in a dark place and exhausted by the battles faced. I had tried everything in my own strength to get myself out of it and what worked was a candid, imperfect conversation (prayer) that sparked a renewed fire.
“The Lord is my Shepherd [to feed, to guide and to shield me], I shall not want. He lets me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still and quiet waters. He refreshes and restores my soul (life); He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake. ”
Psalms 23:1-3 AMP
The Reality of Depression
Some time ago, I found myself grappling with overwhelming symptoms, of an internal conflict that began to manifest itself externally, I (and anyone who I let near) noticed signs of anxiety, irritability, and disassociation with my own body. Heavy, tired eyes and dark circles underscored the toll this has taken on me. Even the soothing comfort of a homemade aloe vera mask couldn't alleviate the look of sadness that was lingering on my face. There was even a distorted smile that I could not recognize nor did I want to grow accustomed to seeing.
Then after weeks of enduring these symptoms, at 11:29 am on a Friday, I found myself again in bed struggling to catch my breath and take control of my racing thoughts. For weeks I had listened to only worship music. For weeks I had scrolled through inspirational scripture and “bible talk” posts on social media. For days and days, I had vaguely asked God, “What is going on with me" and begged Him to “get me out of this.”
God is not Ask Jeeves
It was that afternoon that I realized, I had not done one profoundly simple thing. Instead of coming to God like he was Ask Jeeves. I started to have a candid conversation with God about my emotions. I was intentional in my word selection (not perfect) and made a conscious effort to be more specific.
First, I started by saying, “Thank you!” Thanking Him for the ability to come as I was. To come to Him late. To come to Him broken. I thanked Him for allowing me to have a relationship with Him.
I then reflected on the unnecessary mental turmoil I subjected myself to over a situation that was merely an illusion. I acknowledged the weight of the lingering sadness and the unseen battles [demons] I fought within. I realized that in my moments of struggle, I did not seek God to validate or provide insight on what I was feeling; instead, I treated it as a transaction, asking for insight, with little intention of pausing to receive a genuine response. I should have paused, but I allowed myself to be consumed by chaos. I took the matter in my own unsteady hands and it was those hands that caused damage. As I recognized this I asked God to reverse the damage and restore the time lost.
Mustard Seed Promises
I then started to speak life despite feeling like oxygen was becoming more and more scarce. I started. I began reciting fragments of scripture - mustard seed promises. It wasn’t much nor were my words profound. But when I started speaking aloud with sincerity I felt a shift. I said simple things like, “I shall not lay down and die.” (Psalm 118:17). “I will overcome.” (John 16:32-33), and “Lord, you are my rod and my staff, you lead to still waters.” (Psalms 23:1-6). It was all I had.
But the Holy Spirit reminded me that my little bit was all I needed to give to Him.
As I said these words, my breathing slowed and I was no longer struggling to catch my breath. Amidst the turmoil of my thoughts, “still waters” immediately reminded me to get my bible and speak the whole promise aloud.
“The Lord is my Shepherd [to feed, to guide and to shield me], I shall not want. He lets me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still and quiet waters. He refreshes and restores my soul (life); He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake. Even though I walk through the [sunless] valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod [to protect] and Your staff [to guide], they comfort and console me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You have anointed and refreshed my head with oil; My cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy and unfailing love shall follow me all the days of my life, And I shall dwell forever [throughout all my days] in the house and in the presence of the Lord.”
Psalms 23:1-6 AMP
Psalm 23 served as a reminder that even in the unpredictability, I still possessed peace. It anchored me, reminding me to remain unshaken by the world, people, or circumstances. I was prompted to focus solely on the steadfastness of the One who has remained constant since the beginning and will continue to be unwavering tomorrow.
This Psalm redirected my focus; always make time to ask specifically for direction and clarity. I can be genuine and straightforward with God because, after all, He is all-knowing.
A Golden Rule
Jesus said himself in Matthew 7-8,” 7 “Ask, and you will receive. Search, and you will find. Knock, and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks, receives. Whoever seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door is opened.”
Do not count yourself out. Do not sell yourself short. The Word of God holds immeasurable power and is never void.
I love you. Stay rooted in His goodness.
